Chasing Abby

In many of my earlier posts, I spoke about my ex-girlfriend from my high school days and during my early 20s. Since my words were mainly filled with regret about some of the experiences we shared together, I didn’t use her real name. I sincerely learned a lot from her during those up-and-down six years, so there were plenty of good memories that I had burned into my memory. The file cabinet on us is still stored in my brain–it’s dusty now and the papers inside it are turning yellow, but the thought of us and our moments are still retrievable.

During our second-to-last breakup in our fifth year of being slightly together, I met someone who I thought I could move on with. It was an unexpected connection that I never thought was possible, but yet I was hypnotized by this beautiful girl that for some reason thought the world of me. I wasn’t looking for another relationship at the time, but this girl came into my life with such passion and honesty, that I couldn’t ignore her feelings. She was only a part of my life for four months, but she left an impression on me that still resonates almost 25 years later. She was a good person, and I’m using her real first name in this little tale of mine.

Her name was Abby.

PARTY TIME

In late 1998, I was working as an assistant manager at a retail store in the West Hills of Pittsburgh. It was a small-volume party store, which was a fun place to be for a job. The job location was close to the community college I was attending one night a week, and it was close to the town I was planning to move to in early 1999. I was getting a little bit of overtime each week, since we only had three full-time managers and we were looking to hire a fourth manager to cover all of the shifts. I didn’t mind the extra money since I was saving up for all of the furniture I would need to purchase. I wasn’t going to have a roommate, and my long-time girlfriend and I were about to break up. She didn’t know this yet, but I knew I was ready to move on.

One week, the store manager was interviewing people for the vacant management position. One particular candidate stuck out from the rest of them.

Abby was a 19-year-old from the South Hills of Pittsburgh that was living with her boyfriend in the West Hills of Pittsburgh. At the time, she wasn’t attending college, and was still pretty fresh out of high school. She was taller than me with her black biker boots on. She had long blonde hair, and a really cute smile. I couldn’t understand why a girl like her wanted to work in a party store when she could easily make more money at a bar or restaurant with her looks. She seemed to have a fun outgoing personality from the interview process–which the store manager appreciated. She was hired right away.

From the beginning, I liked Abby. I could tell she was really smart, she held great conversations with the customers, and she was nice to all of the workers at the store. Learning the responsibilities of the job was easy for her to understand, and during the training period, we started to talk about our own lives. I did ask her why she wasn’t tending bar or waiting tables with her looks and her personality. She seemed to like what I said and spoke modest about her looks, which I couldn’t understand because she could break hearts. I already had a crush on her!

I told her about how my relationship was coming to an end, and I could sense she wasn’t too sure about her arrangement as well. During the first few days of training, Abby would ask me what my plans were when I moved out on my own. She seemed really interested about me starting anew and was really excited for me. We had some really good life conversations those first few days together. Even if she didn’t work out as a manager, I thought Abby was someone I would love to get to know better beyond work.

During the second week of Abby’s training, we each worked the early shift, which was 9-5:30. When our workday was coming to an end, Abby asked if I would go to dinner with her at the sandwich shop a few doors down in the shopping center. I agreed to it since I didn’t have to be anywhere after work. I figured she didn’t want to be alone while eating there and wanted me to pretend to be her boyfriend to keep guys from harassing her. She really was beautiful.

We ordered our food and sat toward the back. While eating, Abby confessed that she liked me, and she had to tell me. I told her that I liked her too, and we held hands across the table. We didn’t say too much to one another after her confession, because we were both smiling and laughing the rest of the time. I think we both knew our timing was a little off because Abby was living with another guy, but I was at least happy that she thought of me as a potential boyfriend.

When we were done with dinner, we went outside, and I leaned up against a brick pillar just outside the sandwich shop door. Abby was walking the other direction, because she had to go to another store in the plaza before heading home. There against that pillar, we held hands again in public, and we said goodnight to each other. Before I turned away from her, I leaned in toward her, and she towards me. Our first kiss of what would be many, and it felt amazing. I knew then that I was ready to move out of my parents’ house for good, and I was ready to move on from my girlfriend. I officially broke up with my girlfriend within a week’s time of that first kiss I shared with Abby.

CONFESSIONS & COMPLICATIONS

Abby and I didn’t work together all of the time, but when we did, we would always try to find a way to sneak a kiss, a touch, a hug, or a whisper. We always had other employees with us during our shifts, so our interactions were never graphic in detail. They were interactions that were brief and playful. I loved every one of them. I would have loved more time with Abby, but I knew she didn’t want to upset her boyfriend by disappearing after work with me one day. I didn’t have anywhere to take her anyway since I was still at home with my parents! Abby intimidated me with her confidence and beauty, and I was just happy to share any type of intimate contact with her. I felt like I didn’t deserve someone who was so amazing and fun to be around, but there I was–touching her around her waist as much as I could.

One night, after we closed up the store, we found ourselves at the same stop light when leaving the shopping plaza. She was turning left to go home, and I was turning right to head back to my parents’ house. I could see her face in the reflection of the parking lot lights. She had a look of confusion and happiness on her face at the same time. Our windows were up, so we weren’t talking to one another. Before the light turned green, I saw her speaking to me even though I couldn’t hear her words.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Stunned because she didn’t think I could see her face, Abby was (I assume) slightly embarrassed and also surprised I told her that I loved her. I waved goodnight to her when I made my right turn, and I couldn’t wait to move into my apartment. Hopefully, she would join me.

About a week later, I started to talk to Abby on the sales floor about her relationship with her boyfriend. For some reason, I was very combative to her about her living situation with him. I couldn’t understand why she would continue to live with him if she wasn’t happy with him. I acted like I knew what was right for Abby, and my attitude was childish. She appropriately threw her manager keys at me, informing me she was quitting. She walked out the door, and I don’t remember chasing her down. I felt horrible the minute she left the store, and I worked her shift for the rest of the evening. In a flash, I went from being a welcome distraction for Abby in her time of confusion to the most toxic person in her life. Instead of me enjoying the time I had with Abby, I got selfish. I wanted more. I wanted Abby to be with me all the time.

When I went back home to my parents’ house that night, I couldn’t sleep. I remember sitting downstairs at their dining room table, trying to make sense at what happened with Abby, and trying to accept that I will never have those little moments of love with her again. Around 1 a.m., I laid my head on the table, wishing I could call her and apologize for the way I acted. I didn’t, because I knew her boyfriend was with her. And at that moment, the house phone rang.

It was Abby. She asked if I was okay, even though I was the one who caused all of the distress. I told her I was, and I told her all of this was my fault, apologizing as best as I could. We said our goodbyes, and I figured this would possibly be the last time I spoke to her. Over the next few weeks, I started to move into my apartment, wishing Abby could share in the experience with me. I was happy I was finally on my own, but I couldn’t help but think how cool it would have been if Abby was there with me.

A SECOND CHANCE?

About two months later, I was just getting settled into my apartment when (if I remember correctly) Abby stopped by the party store to see Lori, the other assistant manager besides myself. I gave Abby my apartment phone number that day, and I honestly didn’t know what to think when she got my number. After how I acted, I wouldn’t have wanted to see me again. Regardless of my confused feelings, it was nice to see her.

A few days later, I get a call at my apartment in the morning from Abby. She asked if I was off that day, and I was. She asked if she could stop by my apartment, and requested to meet at the party store parking lot so she could follow me back to my place. I agreed (duh), and we made it back to my new home before lunch. My brain was spinning. I didn’t know why she had a change of heart about being alone with me, and I was wondering if she was going to ask to stay longer than a few hours.

She didn’t. She stayed…maybe an hour? Was it because I was nervous? Did she hate the apartment? Did she have second thoughts? Was our chemistry different when we were alone? I could tell she was not emotionally drawn to me like when we worked together. When she left, I was disappointed and confused. Just when I thought Abby changed her mind and wanted me to be her boyfriend, she was on her way back home…to be with her boyfriend.

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE

Lightning strikes cause damage. I had one at my house 10 years ago. I’m just happy the house didn’t catch on fire despite having over $11,000 in repair costs. Shortly after my failed rendezvous with Abby, I encountered a figurative lightning strike in the form of my ex-girlfriend.

For some reason, my mother gave my new apartment phone number to my ex-girlfriend. Soon after, she called me one night and asked if she could come over and see me. I agreed, and she didn’t leave until dinner time the next day.

It was the first time I saw her in months, and the vibe was electric. Those first few days back together was like nothing I ever experienced in my relationship with her. I was happy with familiar feelings, and I was excited to share my new apartment with the girl I loved over the last five years. But before she started to live with me five days a week, I needed to call Abby.

I owed this information to Abby. She needed to know about my change of heart in case she had another change of heart. When I called her house phone, her boyfriend picked up. I have a pretty good memory. If somebody has even the slightest positive impact on my existence, I remember their name and at least some details about them. I have no recollection of her boyfriend now. Total blank for me. Confidently, I said his name into the phone and asked to speak with Abby. He put her on the phone, and I started to speak with her.

Abby said that she was happy for me, and that she knew I would get back with my ex. I wished her the best with…him, and the phone call was quickly finished. This was the last time I spoke to Abby, and my attention was now focused on my ex–I mean my girlfriend.

The lightning bolt of passion that unexpectedly hit my apartment lasted two months. My girlfriend and I started to fall back into the same old bad relationship habits, and we were done seven months after I last spoke with Abby. I have mixed feelings about 1999: If I didn’t get back with her, I would have never had those two wild months with her (by my standards and routine anyway–I’m a pretty basic guy), but I might have missed a chance to completely move on from her at an earlier date. It’s sad to think all these years later that my small, dark little apartment in Carnegie, Pennsylvania was the place that I said goodbye to the two most interesting women from my younger days–one I knew for over six years, and the other I knew for only four months.

WHEN I WAS DEFINED BY MY INSECURITIES

In his 1997 film Chasing Amy, Kevin Smith delivers his own personal mea culpa on dealing with relationship insecurities. The bulk of the film revolves around Holden and Alyssa, charting the beginning and end of their relationship using very graphic and powerful dialogue. For me, the most poignant scene of the film comes from Smith’s own character of “Silent Bob”.

Bob explains to Holden that he once was in a relationship with a girl named Amy. Amy was more adventurous than he was, and he felt insecure about her previous relationships. Bob sabotaged his own relationship with Amy over her past, and from the moment he lost her Bob has “spent every day since then chasing Amy”.

Abby threw her keys at me because I demanded the answers that I wanted to hear, not the answers that were the reality of our situation all those years ago. I sabotaged what I did have: The ability to see Abby at least three days a week at work. Now that I’m older, I realize that I should focus on the present, not dwell on the past, and not worry about the future. I should have continued to give Abby the love that she needed from me, and not try to give her more than she wanted from me. I don’t chase Abby in a literal sense, but I chase her in a figurative sense every day.

BLESSINGS & LESSONS LEARNED

Abby was easily my greatest crush. I can still close my eyes and feel her energy. It was a blessing to know her for a brief moment of time in my life. It was also a blessing that Abby didn’t become my girlfriend. She would have hated being with the person who I was back then. I drank too much, I was immature, and too emotionally unstable. Even if her relationship didn’t work out with her boyfriend, she chose the correct guy to stay with.

Abby took me out of my comfort zone, and I became a better person because of it. Abby showed me that I can love another girl just as much as I loved my long-time girlfriend. Abby gave me the motivation to become independent and move out of my parents’ house.

Before I met Abby, 1998 was a very dark year for me. Despite my father passing away in 2013, 1998 is still the worst year of my life. My depression was indescribable. Most of my stress revolved around my relationship with my ex, and the emotional roller coaster we were on that year. Abby provided hope to me. Abby provided positivity in my life. Meeting Abby opened up emotions I thought I couldn’t feel with another girl. Abby was a smart, confident, beautiful badass that luckily strayed away from my meek-minded dope self all those years ago. Abby deserved a strong, caring, intelligent man, and I didn’t have any of those attributes 25 years ago–at least from what I remember about me in 2023.

This is my mea culpa to Abby. She probably didn’t feel the same magnetic, gravitational pull toward me, and that’s fine. I hope she is fine today, because she deserves to be. She had her own insecurities, her own worries, and her own troubles in the past. I choose to remember her passion, her drive to discover what she really wanted, and her intelligence. All the guys that interacted with Abby would comment on how beautiful she was, but I knew she was more than just a pretty face. And for four months, I got to know the true Abby.

It was pretty badass.